OBSESSION!

Losing weight comes with a dark side.its the evil twin of acceptance.

its the obsession of not feeling pretty.

Its the anxiety of everyone staring at your stomach and flabby arms while you walk out in the cruel cruel world..EVERYONE SEES YOUR FAT! THEY ARE ALL STARING AT IT!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Its changing your outfit 5 times before you head out and STILL feel ugly as you walk out the door.Its the bad thoughts you think when you see a skinny little bitch passing you by eating a damn ice cream cone, enjoying it!

Im so obsessed with my weight.I hate it.I hate that i still feel like a fatty pants.im constantly looking in the mirror, sucking it in, telling myself....this is where you gotta be! SQUEEZE....right there!!!!! :)

Ive been hitting the gym hard.I even go twice a day depend on how my body feels.Its at an aching stage right now, cause my poor muscles are NOT used to working this hard.Ive been doing lots of arms, squats, lounges, abs, and my favorite...CARDIO!

I dont even care if i look like this in the end.

OK...OK....thats alittle bit too much!i bet she can crack a walnut between her breast..geez!

I want to be toned.I want nice curves and a flat tummy...I even have a little 4 pack going on underneath the flab :)

i do want nice muscles on my arms.THAT I DO WANT!

HA! DREAM BIG HUH! no, thats too much for me lol.

thats what i want! im so sick of flabby arms that haunted my pictures and self pity for years.I want muscles, i want to be able to say....look what i have accomplished....psshht...Michelle Obama aint got shit on me!

All i gotta do is keep truckn, i gotta stay focused and tell that inner fat girl, she is not welcomed her anymore.She can NOT give up!This is for her, no one else.

why didnt anyone slap me?????

Through this journey of weight loss, I have been looking at old pictures of myself.And the one thing that blows my mind is.......WHY DIDNT ANYONE SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF ME?!?!?!  

I was so out of control! I never looked at myself in the mirror cause i was in such denial.I knew i was getting big but HOLY COW! I guess the whole size 16 pants and stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream should have been a crying out for self help! I know having kids gave me an excuse to be fat, but after a year, i should have been more cautious about myself.I felt pretty, so i just let it happen.

This is what i looked like.

  UGGHHHHHHHH! yeah!

I WILL NEVER BE THAT BIG AGAIN!

Ive been really working hard.Ive cut out all junk!! No more chips, sodas, sweets, or my favorite....chocolate ice cream :(

I love food, its so hard to want to eat smaller portions. I wish my metabolism was better.I wish i could eat eat eat and not worry about my weight.My body just doesnt work that way.....

BUT.

I absolutely love working out.

I love to walk in there, the whole atmosphere.The machines, the sounds.People really getting into it.I love to get on that machine, music in my ears and ready to kick ass.I push myself hard.I just dont go there and kinda work out, do a mile here and there.NO! i put that baby on high incline and work it..2...3 miles, i lift weights (not bodybuilder weights, just enough to tone up)

I love to forget about my problems, i dont think about my life, i dont think about anything but losing weight.I encourage myself, i tell myself to push, to go higher, go faster, go longer. I push myself cause i dont wanna think about anything else. I dont wanna dwell on shit in my life.It takes me away.Its part of my healing process. My self healing process.

This is what i have accomplished so far.

Thats the same dress!!!!!!!!

Im started about about 210.

Im down to 155!

I still have another 20lbs to lose to get to my goal weight of 135.

I got this!

i can do it cause im strong.

i can do it cause i want to be healthy.

i can do it cause i know im beautiful inside.